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Back off Mr. Mucus, Nightshift’s here! Excited to partner with @Mucinex_us to launch Nightshift. Cold and flu season is upon us, so next time you’re feeling sick, try out Mucinex Nightshift. It relieves your cold/flu symptoms at night so you can get sleep and #WakeUpHuman (Fun Fact: I got to keep Mr. Mucus. I can’t wait for the boys to get home from school). #MucinexPartner
Happy Halloween from @jennymollen ‘s microneedled face.
Last night a certain dictator had me up at 1am and again at 5am, rendering me completely useless when it came time to make his @dictatorlunches. So I just quickly threw something together to help stave off his appetite until his nanny could give him a proper meal later in the day. From right: diet pill mixture (left over from my movie star days in the early aughts), Coke (zero, caffeinated). #dadsouttherekillingit @jennymollen
It has truly been an honor getting to lend my culinary talents to @dictatorlunches. @jennymollen returns over the weekend, so here is my penultimate contribution: “Constipated Dictator”. From top right: spinach (sautéed, no garlic for dictator’s fresh baby breath), leafy greens (hold the tomatoes- they’re “gwoss”), roasted broccoli (aka “dinosaur trees”), stool softener/laxative pills (rite aid, whole bottle just in case), and dessert of yummy prunes. #dadsouttherekillingit #chokedwithpoop #notchanginghisnextdiaper
Welp, it’s that time again. @jennymollen is out of town, and the responsibility of feeding our little dictator falls back into my very capable hands. To start things off, we have Swoll Dictator. From bottom left: blackberry collagen blast (for skin that’s ripe like fruit), marine collagen protein (for luscious “fish” lips), filtered water in toddler bottle (room temp, for a picky dictator), and @performix_house banana/Nutella whey protein (for that bulging baby body). cc: @dictatorlunches #dadsouttherekillingit
Thanks a lot Matt Ryan. Of all the days you had to completely shit the bed, I appreciate the sick humor in doing it against Aaron Rogers’ 55 point performance. #iobviouslylost
Hey! Jay And Silent Bob Reboot is out in theaters nationwide TODAY! It’s a hilariously epic nostalgia trip of a film with more cameos than has ever been in a movie ever. I’m proud to be a small part of the @jayandsilentbob world once again, alongside my partner/nemesis @vanderjames. Tickets at FathomEvents.com @fathomevents @thatkevinsmith
“Foreword By Jason Biggs” haha. Listen, if and when Eugene writes his memoir (omg Eugene please write your memoir!), I’m sure he’ll ask one of his more talented friends like Steve Martin or Marty Short or Tom Hanks to write the foreword, but I’m honored and flattered to have fake written the fake foreword in his fake memoir nonetheless. @lastweektonight
#fbf When I played a charity game on Arthur Ashe against James Blake during the 2004(?) @usopen. (When I say “played”, I mean “attempted to return his shots and whiffed on all but one of them”). Photo of a photo by @rennaestubbs, who I am excited to play another round of “Say This Weird Word During Your Broadcast” with...
There used to be a time when my wife wanted to canoodle with ME on a Tyrollean mountaintop.
Lazlo is gonna have a tough re-entry to NYC. He’s requesting that we put mountains behind his local park on Hudson Street.